Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
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A Godly Geek Out...
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work..
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES...
The Devil's Dictionary
A selection of quotes from "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce:
1. BACKBITE, v.t.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
2. BEAUTY, n.
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
3. BELLADONNA, n.
In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
4. BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
5. BRIDE, n.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
6. DIPLOMACY, n.
The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
7. FEMALE, n.
One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
8. GHOST, n.
The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.
9. GRAVE, n.
A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
10. GUILLOTINE, n.
A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
11. HEARSE, n.
Death's baby-carriage.
12. IMPUNITY, n.
Wealth.
13. KILL, v.t.
To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
14. MISFORTUNE, n.
The kind of fortune that never misses.
15. OUTDO, v.t.
To make an enemy.
16. PEACE, n.
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
17. RIOT, n.
A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
18. RUMOR, n.
A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
19. SAINT, n.
A dead sinner revised and edited.
20. SELFISH, adj.
Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
Children in Church...
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed:
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Last Words
For the people that celebrate Resurrection and Easter
"There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with CHOCOLATE."
-Linda Grayson, "The Pickwick Papers"
Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter.
Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas.
"I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines."
-Fred Allen
"A strangely reflective, even melancholy day. Is that because, unlike our cousins in the northern hemisphere, Easter is not associated with the energy and vitality of spring but with the more subdued spirit of autumn."
-Hugh Mackay
"Alzheimer’s Advantage You can hide your own Easter eggs. All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!"
-Lucy Van Pelt, "Peanuts
When one breeds an angora rabbit with an Easter Bunny is that a cross hair?
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