9 to 5
How to Interpret Employment Ads



COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You will need to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

Employee Performance Evaluation

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He's a pot-stirrer who can't find a pot."

17. "He's fearless because he doesn't know any better."

18. "He's peerless because there isn't another one like him. Thank God!"

19. "She doesn't have the brains she was born with."

20. "He's an accident looking for a place to happen."

21. "If she had another half a brain, she'd be the perfect wit."

22. "He has all kinds of degrees but no commonsense."


































Nine to Five by Dolly Parton

Tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
And yawn and stratch and try to come to life
Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping
Out on the street the traffic starts jumping
With folks like me on the job from nine to five

Working nine to five what a way to make a living
Barely getting by it's all taking and no giving
They just use your mind and they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it
Nine to five for service and devotion
You would think that I would deserve a fair promotion
Want to move ahead but the boss won't seem to let me
I swear sometimes that man is out to get me

They let you dream just to watch 'em shatter
You're just a step on the bossman's ladder
But you got dreams he'll never take away
In the same boat with a lot of your friends
Waitin' for the day your ship will come in
Then the tide's goin' to turn and it's all goin' to roll your away

Working nine to five what a way to make a living
Barely getting by it's all taking and no giving
They just use your mind and they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it
Nine to five yeah they got you where they want to
There's a better life and you think about it don't you
It's a rich man's game no matter what they call it
And you spend your life puttin' money in his wallet

Working nine to five what a way to make a living...