1. You're a pro-lifer but support the death penalty.
2. You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
3. You've ever uttered the phrase "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches?"
4. You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
5. You don't think The Simpsons is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
6. You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
7. You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit.
8. You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
9. You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
10. You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
11. You argue that you need 300 handguns in case a bear ever attacks your home.
12. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
13. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
14. You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
15. You've ever referred to Anita Hill as "that lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
16. You've ever called education a luxury.
17. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
18. You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
19. You're afraid of the "liberal media."
20. You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates ..."
21. You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts "a bunch of pornographers."
22. You think all artists are gay.
23. You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society.
You might be a Democrat if...
1. You believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You are against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
10. You believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."