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Ears:
While ears
need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done
in private using one's own
truck keys. (NOTE: Keys must
also be cleaned
regularly, because ear wax buildup can
short
circuit a starter switch.)
Brushing &
Flossing
Scientists
have proven that the use of a toothbrush
(and toothpaste when
available) can help people
keep their teeth into their thirties and
even beyond.
Dental floss, the modern equivalent of broom straw,
is
also helpful. A lightweight monofilament
fishing line works just as
well. Remove lures first.
Manicures and
Pedicures:
Dirt and
grease under the nails is a social no no,
as they tend to detract
from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of finger
foods.
Corns and calluses can be removed using
a common potato
peeler, remember never
to cut against the
grain.
Hair Care
(FOR MEN)
Contrary
to popular belief, dandruff is
not an incurable disease. Rubbing
motor oil
into the scalp once a week will turn the flakes
dark
and then they will not be noticeable.
.
If you can't
afford hair tonic, brake fluid
holds the hair in place and gives
it
a dark, Elvis like sheen.
(FOR
WOMEN)
While a
tall hive of hair is the current rage,
it can be an open
invitation to bees and hornets.
A 50/50 mixture of Black Flag and
hairspray
can prove to be a girl's best summertime
friend.
Driving
When
approaching a four way stop,
remember that the vehicle with the
largest
tires always has the right of way.
When sending
your wife down the
road with a gas can, remember that it
is
impolite to ask her to bring back a beer.
Remember that
the median
is not a passing lane.
Never tow
another car using
panty hose and duct tape.
10 Ways To Tell If A Redneck Is Working In Your Office
10. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
09. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
08. The password is "bubba."
07. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
06. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
05. The printer goes really slowly since Bubba don't read too fast.
04. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
03. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
02. The monitor is up on blocks.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Is Working At A Computer
In Your Office (drum roll please)....
01. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
More Redneck Jokes
Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and
left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
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What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally
involved.
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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end
of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag
her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
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How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink."
and the person at the front desk says "Go ahead."
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How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.
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How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
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Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell
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Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called
a teethbrush.
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Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to
the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
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Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas
burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
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What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.
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Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street
toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet,
one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane
in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a 'double-wide'.
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A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed
next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman,
"How do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks?"
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