You've ever had
Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong
table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and
dumplings.
You've
ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool
Whip on the side.
If
you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet
table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to
eat.
Your turkey
platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on
them.
Your stuffings
secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is
ketchup.
Side dishes
include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the
'fridge.
The
directions to your house include "turn off the paved
road".
You consider
pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o
mold.
Your secret
family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer. Try these again with answers.
You Might Be A Redneck If: You've ever had
Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong
table. With or
without a table cloth Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and
dumplings. The only
turkey in our house is the kids. You've ever
re-used a paper plate. Is that during the same meal or two different
meals. If you have a complete set of salad
bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. Sounds like the cereal bowls we
had for the kids when they were little. If
you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. So I've used the kitchen table
as an ironing board. On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to
eat. I didn't know
dog and cat were on the menu. Your turkey
platter is an old hub cap. I've never heard the dog complain once about his dish In fact he
like the Mercedes emblem on it. Your best
dishes have Dixie printed on them. If it doesn't say Dixie its not southern
cooking Your stuffings secret ingredient comes
from the bait shop. You have to feed it something to get it
stuffed. Your only condiment on the dining
room table is ketchup. Is there anything else? Side dishes
include beef jerky and Moon Pies. You have to make the Moon Pies last longer
somehow. You have to go outside to get
something out of the 'fridge. It's the best way to keep the fridge
cold. The directions to your house include
"turn off the paved road". My parents live on a dirt road in a $250,000 dollar
home. You consider pork and beans to be a
gourmet food. Only
second best to hot dogs. You have an Elvis
Jell-o mold. How
else are you going to have a hunka, hunka
jello Your secret family recipe is
illegal. You said
you wouldn't tell about the Herb garden.
LOL You serve Vienna Sausage as an
appetizer. That's
only because they. couldn't catch the dog.
A Dysfunctional,
White-Trash Family Thanksgiving
Little sister Sue catches Mama
adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone
will "be regular" afterwards.
Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new
mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of
it, and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for
beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new
coat.
Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some
unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box
and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while
nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with
binoculars.
Cousin Mike shows up with his new bride, his
three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his
oldest full sister.
Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty
old pickup, and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of
"Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to
keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back
home.
Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend"
as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and
Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer
Show.
Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current
analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial
subcultures.
Uncle Peter, who's legally blind but can see some
shapes and colors and shadows, and who also got legally blind fucking
stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps
"accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he
seeks to regain his balance.
13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his
Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can
check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from your
Dad.
Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his
famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his
unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what
hair is left on Uncle Peter's head and gives third-degree burns to his
balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as
well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special
Thanskgiving holiday.
HIS and HERS Road Trip at Thanksgiving
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks
directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at
destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit
absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into
wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just
in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh
air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large
slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back
onto the highway.
Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of
looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a
dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy
from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and
fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's
anyway.