The Night Before Thanksgiving

I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed,
They expect all the trimmings...who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,
The dog just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then walks in my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's takin' so long? Aren't you through in here yet??"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain,
and screams "MY GOD WOMAN,
YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh, shit, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work,

I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!